


Tetris Philosophy

by ephelid



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Absurd, Humor, M/M, Parody, but not actual sex, looks like a threesome and a non-con but actually it's not, sex mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-12
Updated: 2016-03-12
Packaged: 2018-05-26 08:37:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6231802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ephelid/pseuds/ephelid
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hisoka and Chrollo are supposed to have a sexy time but instead of this talk tetris. Ho, and there's Illumi too, but who cares ?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tetris Philosophy

When Chrollo heard the clinking sound behind him, he knew he was trapped. He turned and tried to open the door anyway. Closed. What a surprise.

 

"Just give up" said hisoka, "I already tried to break open it."

 

"You didn't try anything at all" accused Chrollo.

 

Hisoka obviously was delighted to be trapped here. He was lying in the most twisted position, showing off his muscles, his shirt roden up in a very unnatural way. His smile said it all.

 

“No” said Chrollo. “It’s not going to happen. I’m pretty sure I’m not supposed to be in this fic.”

 

“What are you talking about?”

 

“I’m used to jump from world to world, to be in turns a thief, a dead, a dandy, an angel, a dancer, a family mother, a vampire, a siren, a whatever, but I always have at least five minutes to get used to it, and now? Nothing, not a mere intro. Or I’m a mistake, or it’s a draft.”

 

“Or our fate is in the hands of a very pragmatic person…”

 

“Or very lazy”

 

“Or in a hurry” concluded Hisoka, crawling over the bed in a way he thought suggestive.

 

Chrollo sighted. Maybe they were stuck in a fic on Hisoka POV. Where he thought himself sexy and irresistible. It was the worst.

 

He leaned against the wall, thinking that we would eventually reach here in a way or another in a few paragraphs, so let’s save energy and time, if this sick author is such in a hurry. He wondered why they were in a hotel room, with a bed. They never use it. Beds are just here to say “Hey, you thought I’d be useful for anything ? Nah, i’m just here to show how the boys can use an entire room but a bed.” But Hisoka stopped in the middle on his attempt of seduction-on-quilt.

 

“A problem ?”

 

“An obstacle.”

 

Hisoka moved the quilt away and found Illumi. He was lying stiff on the back, arms alongside the body, eyes wide open. Hisoka waved a hand before his face. No reaction.

 

“Why is he here ?”asked Chrollo.

 

“Why you wonder?”

 

“But why is he like this?”

 

“Lack of characterisation. It happens sometimes.”

 

“To _this_ extent?”

 

“Who cares?” said Hisoka ripping off the boob window.

 

“Stop! You can’t do that!”

 

“Why?” asked Hisoka.

 

“We don’t even know if he’s alive!”

 

“It’s breathing. “ _If it’s warm, it’s legal”_ , this is my motto.”

 

“What the hell is this motto and how come you need it?”

 

“¯\\_(ツ)_/¯” answered Hisoka.

 

“But he’s obviously unconscious” insisted Chrollo. “Even according to my standard, it’s disgusting, immoral, it’s the worst thing even you could do, it’s absolutely…”

 

“It’s him or you.”

 

“OK go on I’m watching.”

 

The pant flew through the room and the two characters leaned on the creature. Their heads hide the view, we can’t see nothing, but Hisoka commented :

*At least something is alive.”

 

Which is everything we need to know.

 

Hisoka grabbed Illumi’s leg and twisted him in an improbable position. Then changed his mind and put him over his stomach. Spread the legs Changed his mind again and left him up on the wardrobe. Chrollo started to whistle a little melody and asked :

“What are you considering?”

 

“Don’t refrain my creativity. What are you singing ? I know this tune”

 

“Tetris theme.”

 

“Why ?” asked Hisoka as he pull down illumi and manipulated him on the carpet (told you so.)

 

“Well, Tetris has a lot of common with sex.”

 

“What, putting bars into holes hoping a square won’t come over?”

 

“Yes, it’s kinda… wait, what square? No, don’t answer. But I was thinking more about the philosophy.”

 

“Tetris Philosophy” repeated Hisoka with a -_- face.

 

“Yes, the way people play reveals a lot about how they do sex. There are folks who only perform the number of lines. They do it conscientiously, dedicated, they take their time, it never ends and sometimes it’s boring, but it’s secure and lovely. And others only live for the tetris. The long bar. They built their wall with a voluntary hole, and sometime it rises, rises, and rises again, and the bar don’t come, it never comes, I had three bars in a row five minutes ago but now of course there's none, the frustration grows, become unbearable, and then the bar arrives, and it's the best thing they ever experienced, it’s great, they cry tears of joy, they feel like they're dying, the score explodes, but they are more likely to fail everything actually.”

 

“ OK the Tetris kink is now a thing.”

 

“You make everything a kink” said illumi.

 

Both looked down at the inanimate boy who seemed to have more arms and legs than an usual human body.

 

“Ho.... It speaks.” Said Hisoka with a charmed voice.

 

“What were you doing? You were faking death?”

 

“No. I wasn’t just not interested in what was happening.”

 

“You’re interested now ?”

 

“Yes. I like tetris” said illumi with a blank voice.

 

“So be served !”

 

Chrollo blinked as a brilliant light filled the room. Hisoka had let his pant down on his ankles, a proud smile on his face, his fists on his hips.

 

“Be ready for…. The bar!”

 

“Hisoka no!” yelled Chrollo.

 

Too late. Illumi hiccuped, the light lowered and took a reddish shade, a voice came out of nowhere saying “level up !” and the two guys disappeared.

 

Chrollo looked blankly at the place they were one second ago. He didn’t panic. He knew exactly what to do in this kind of situation.

 

He went on the bed, took a book and read.


End file.
